Uh-oh. The news media is camped on my front lawn. A forgotten transgression from my youth is approaching at 12 o'clock. The film's at eleven. I withdraw!
But fret not, fellow Americans. Even though I'm off the ballot there remain plenty of other far-out presidential candidates who'd dig your vote.
A couple of months ago I mentioned a chat room conversation during which the iconmaster made a a quasi-presidential quip regarding yours truly. He was joking. Yet, I figured I couldn't ruin the United States any faster than the other schmoes currently heading to your hometown to shake your hand. I scratched my chin for a day. Maybe two. Maybe a couple of months. "Time for a fact-finding mission!" I finally exclaimed and immediately put my people on it. The results are in and, regardless of the good advice I received, I'm announcing my candidacy. Please join me in learning more about me in this interview already in progress ...
What are your positions?
Sitting. Standing. Running. Jumping. Ducking. Rolling. Lying at rest for a bit and then starting all over again.
Have you noticed that you're a bit late for the primaries?
It's not a problem. I'm plenty early for the tertiaries.
How will you handle immigration?
I say leave the farmers alone! They've got to get water to their crops so let them dig their tiny, watery ditches.
How will you handle the drug problem?
Two chickens in every pot.
What will you do about global warming?
For starters, wear short sleeves.
What's your foreign policy?
$100,000 term life.
Your critics have accused you of pandering. How do you respond?
Untrue. Not even once have I ever acted like a panda. But now that you mention it, if one painted big black rings around one's eyes and chewed a piece of bamboo, one would have an effective yet inexpensive Halloween costume.
So there you have it, good citizens. I'll be on the lookout for stumps upon which to speak. Bring your babies. I'll allay my fear of catching cooties and kiss every one. And if you're one of my friends or acquaintances residing somewhere other than the USA, please excuse this post which likely holds little interest to you. I'm sure that before you can say "fourscore and seven years ago" some forgotten transgression from my youth will be exposed and bring my political ambitions to a screeching halt.
Yesterday in the middle of a conversation, someone whom most of you know best as the iconmaster made a little quip:
I chuckled. Then I brushed it off. But then those words returned to haunt me for the rest of the day. As the old saying goes, from small chatroom quips are born global political superpersons (or something like that). Stay tuned!
